You may or may not have noticed, but I have been putting off writing about my time in New Zealand for ages. Although it was a brilliant experience, I kind of have conflicting feelings about the trip in general, so that explains why I found it a bit more difficult to summarise into one blog post…
But that being said, I’ve just begun a 7hour bus journey across Vietnam and I already need to go to the toilet, so god knows I need a distraction… Plus 7 hours really should give me enough time to quit all this mental fiff-faffing, put pen to paper (meterophorically, of course #Millennial) and just give the world what it wants --> an in-depth account of New Zealand, **G-TRAIN STYLE**.
But that being said, I’ve just begun a 7hour bus journey across Vietnam and I already need to go to the toilet, so god knows I need a distraction… Plus 7 hours really should give me enough time to quit all this mental fiff-faffing, put pen to paper (meterophorically, of course #Millennial) and just give the world what it wants --> an in-depth account of New Zealand, **G-TRAIN STYLE**.
New Zealand
From the get-go, I’ll say that I had originally intended for my travels to be engulfed in a sense of impromptu adventure, exploration and reckless, feckless frivolousness but because I made the decision to go to NZ on a last minute whim, I suddenly found myself faced with more travel concerns than I cared to deal with… I just hand’t done any research and didn't want any hassle, so being the authentic-travelling Judas that I am, I went and signed myself up for… *cringe*... “The Kiwi Experience”.
To anyone who hash’t heard of it, The Kiwi Experience is essentially an all-included tour bus for young travellers who fall in line with most backpacker stereotypes out there. In fact, as far as my experience would attest, The Inbetweeners movie was actually pretty spot on with what seemed like an exaggerated caricature of backpackers & “Gap Yah” guppies. For any Irish readers out there, you’ll recognise this as being New Zealand’s equivalent to Paddy Wagon Tours, and thus you’ll appreciate that I pretty much set myself up for the least impromptu way to travel, as every stop/photo opportunity/ activity was mapped out for me and my fellow passengers throughout the journey.
On the positive flipside, it meant that zero organisational skills/ braincells were required of me, but on the inverse-flipside it also meant that the general profile of people attracted to the K.E. are those who don’t like using brain cells… kind of ever.
Wait. That probably sounds a lot harsher than I mean it to... Let’s just back up the truck here before the defamatory law suits start rolling in! Don’t get me wrong, they’re not all total imbeciles - some of the people I met were proper sound buzzers, but I don’t have time to go into specifics and you don’t have the attention span to read about a couple of all-round nice guys. Instead, allow me to make a sweeping generalisation about the group I shared a bus with for 2 weeks and inform you of the following:
- These are the kind of backpackers who live for the sesh (I’m talking, they would look forward to every night out with the same anticipation and enthusiasm as any South County Dublin secondary school student awaiting their first “Wesley Rugby Club Disco” circa 2006)
- They largely live on a diet of Pot Noodles
- They're prone to dissecting the previous night’s scandal with the same vigour as of any Irish female brunching group on a Saturday/ Sunday morning
- One thing this hyper-generalised group is not prone to? Keeping on top of current events... “Palestine? Never heard of it”.
So like I said, I saw New Zealand’s south island as a “Kiwi Experience” backpacker which meant that as our bus trundled along the windy roads (heart-racingly-close-to-the-edge windy roads), our tour guide would stop every few hours in between towns and implore us to get off and be amazed at yet another sensational sight. These could range from casual roadside waterfalls, glaciers that looked suspiciously similar to the Evian bottle logo, or luscious mountains and valleys covered in a thick layer of trees which looked even more suspiciously similar to the scenery in Jurassic Park
I must admit that the more I marvelled at the similarities between my memories from the JP movies and what I was seeing before me, the more I secretly waited for our tour guide to turn around only to have been magically transformed into the ever-raspy *Richard Attenborough*. You can imagine the scene - the whole bus goes wild, no one believing their eyes at this crazy transformation whilst I sit there, cool as a cucumber, sharing a subtle, in-the-know wink with old Rich. “Rich, you old rascal you!” I would chortle...
OK enough about scenery, let’s move this blog post along and get to the fun activities part! There’s actually quite a bit of material to go through in terms of the places I went and the activities I did, so here’s some of the most memorable bits from my trip around NZ::
Kaiteriteri
Horse Riding in Kaiteriteri was like trecking through The Land of Narnia, I’m not even exaggerating. Had I not already spent a good chunk of this blog gushing about New Zealand scenery I’d definitely start raving about what I saw on top of that horse. But alas, I’ll have to save it for another day…
Kaiteriteri
Horse Riding in Kaiteriteri was like trecking through The Land of Narnia, I’m not even exaggerating. Had I not already spent a good chunk of this blog gushing about New Zealand scenery I’d definitely start raving about what I saw on top of that horse. But alas, I’ll have to save it for another day…
My main memory from this experience was when my horse, Leeroy, stopped doing his sassy walk thing (god, that horse had one sassy walk) and all of a sudden out of nowhere he stepped things up into a little trot. I was wary at first, imagining myself being torpedoed off like a free-flying starfish in orbit, but I kept my cool, and was pleasantly surprised to find it all went quite well initially!
INITIALLY.
As Leeroy’s lively strut gathered increasing pace, I started to feel increasing tinges of nervousness. I tried to remain cool and appear nonchalant, but when the trot hit canter and I found myself morphing into a puppet, boinking about uncontrollably on that saddle, I knew something had to be done. Unfortunately the force of the speed seemed to cause a momentary brain malfunction, so instead of pulling the reigns in like a competent human, all I could do was continue boinking and erratically squawk “I DON’T FEEL SAAAFFE!!!” as loud as my lungs would allow. This was not a sexy look, nor was it effective in actually helping the situation. It’s like the more I roared, the faster Leeroy went, and the guide was clearly enjoying the scenario far too much to help a sista out. I was sure the entire experience was going to end in a stretcher, or at very least in a viral YouTube video (with the eventual creation of an “I Don’t Feel Saaaafe” remix). But in a totally anticlimactic ending Leeroy suddenly stopped and I emerged from the treck unscathed, the only injuries being to my ego and voice box.
Geraldine
*NEWS JUST IN*: There is a town in New Zealand that is called Geraldine. I repeat, there is a town in New Zealand that is entirely dedicated to me. Alright, it is a very small retirement town, and the only reason we even went there was for a brief toilet stop whilst en route to somewhere else, but just being there made me feel like the Queen of Sheba times a zillion. As you can therefore imagine, instead of relieving my considerably full bladder, I used the precious time in Geraldine to power-walk around the streets (correction: MY streets) and take as many photos of signs/ shop fronts as I could find. I also made sure to casually slip in how I was called Geraldine to every person I spoke to in that short space of time
-Hi sorry excuse me, are you from Geraldine?
-Yes sweetie, I sure am!
-Oh cool, see I’m just asking because my name is Geraldine!
-Oh that is just wonderful sweetie! Welcome to our beautiful town!
-Hi sorry, where are the toilets?
-Just over there.
-Thanks a million! …*fake laugh* ..Sorry I’m just laughing because it’s so funny seeing my name over your shop door!
*blank stare*
-Because I’m actually called Geraldine!
-Did you want to purchase anything?
-Eh, no thanks.
-That’ll be $3 for the water
-Righteo, here you are… Hey by the way my name is Geraldine!!
-Oh right…Good on you. Next!
I actually ended up getting so caught up in the excitement of it all that I nearly got left behind by my bus. Apparently my fellow travellers weren’t as delighted to be in the small retirement town of Geraldine as I was.
Kaikaura
Swimming with Dolphins - definitely one of the best things I’ve ever done. What I didn't realise is that when you go swimming with wild dolphins, you’re expected to entertain them if you want them to pay you any sort of attention, not the other way around. Being told this resulted in a hilarious display of weirdness from otherwise silent awkward strangers, who flapped around in the water and made strange noises through their snorkels in a desperate attempt to bring the hoards of mischievous dolphins closer.
Needless to say, I pretty much had a ghetto-posse of Dolphins surrounding me by the time I was done. My secret? An original rendition of “Tell Me Ma When I go Home…” alongside some potentially-alarming *but deliberate* spasm-esque, body-jerking actions. And the result? Well I’m not the competitive type, but I definitely beat those other flapping geeks in terms of the size of my audience, and in terms of their enjoyment levels whilst watching my performance.
Sky dive - I thought the Dolphins were cool, but sweet-Josepha sky diving was cool on a whole other level. I wasn't even that nervous, weirdly enough (I very nearly vomitted before walking down the aisle being bridesmaid at my sister's wedding, but free-falling out of a plane 13,000ft above the ground? Cool. As. A. Corndog.), I did it looking over Kaikaura bay, but I reckon anywhere in the world would be cool.
Queenstown
Alright I’m running out of time on this bus, so here’s a quick recap of what I think of when I think of Queestown:
- The abundance of cool, cruisey vibes everywhere you looked
- The distinctly beach-like lake front with boozing bathers soaking up the sunshine whilst sipping on the moonshine.
- The whopper “Ferg Burger” burgers
- My experience stargazing, with the hilarity of the sound effects made by the Asian cohort of the group whenever a shooting star passed by… It was like being in some sort of real life South Park skit.
- **Getting a tattooooo**
So that's it on New Zealand's South Island, congratulations for making it through the whole shpeil! I promise to cut it back a bit for the next one, it'll be about my adventures returning to my beloved Bali!..
P.S.
Travel tip:
If you know a big scenic view is coming up then be sure have some sort of Enya song at the ready, it makes any scenic viewing so much more awe-inspiring
Best buy of the trip:
A big headband with earphones in them. Self explicable. The headband can be used as an eye mask and then the earphones allow you to blast music (or my personal preference: “The Sound Of Rain And Thunder”) to block out any nearby canoodling/ loud drunken roommates stumbling back into the room late at night.
The kind of thing you can expect to over-hear in dorm rooms:
-Well, originally I was travelling with a friend but he unfortunately went missing two stops ago. So since then I’ve been travelling alone”
“Oh god that’s awful... Are you for real??”
“Yeah I know, it’s kind of worrying. Anyway, we party tonight or what?!”
Travel tip:
If you know a big scenic view is coming up then be sure have some sort of Enya song at the ready, it makes any scenic viewing so much more awe-inspiring
Best buy of the trip:
A big headband with earphones in them. Self explicable. The headband can be used as an eye mask and then the earphones allow you to blast music (or my personal preference: “The Sound Of Rain And Thunder”) to block out any nearby canoodling/ loud drunken roommates stumbling back into the room late at night.
The kind of thing you can expect to over-hear in dorm rooms:
-Well, originally I was travelling with a friend but he unfortunately went missing two stops ago. So since then I’ve been travelling alone”
“Oh god that’s awful... Are you for real??”
“Yeah I know, it’s kind of worrying. Anyway, we party tonight or what?!”
P.P.S.
Scenery
Last shout out to the scenery. New Zealand, it’s like you were Mother Nature’s favourite child because you clearly got all the good genes and attention, what with your perky mountain peaks, exotic looks and effortless charm… This comes in stark contrast to us over in Ireland, which makes me think that poor old Ireland might have been left with the role of your stumpy, flat-chested, bumpy-faced, envious older sister.
Scenery
Last shout out to the scenery. New Zealand, it’s like you were Mother Nature’s favourite child because you clearly got all the good genes and attention, what with your perky mountain peaks, exotic looks and effortless charm… This comes in stark contrast to us over in Ireland, which makes me think that poor old Ireland might have been left with the role of your stumpy, flat-chested, bumpy-faced, envious older sister.